April first, All Fools Day, An auspicious way to meet one's oncologist. We meet today to discuss the results of two X-ray's and a CT scan earlier this year. My family doctor was concerned enough to inform my oncologist. Now my oncologist is concerned too, for there is a shadow in my lung that shouldn't be there.
In the oncologists office I am examined, and all my vitals are normal, no fever, no cough, and certainly no vestiges of pneumonia from three months prior. I feel fine, save for an aggravated left tibia: shin splints. But no, that's not the problem. My oncologist was concerned about the shadow on my X-ray. And now, so am I.
We don't know if it's Cancer or an infection. The unknown shadow will be viewed by a CT scan I'm to have two weeks from now. However it was the CEA results from my blood work that I found troubling: they're increasing, slowly, but steadily.
Last May my CEA numbers hovered around 1. Now they're around 3. These numbers can increase significantly if I was a smoker. I've never smoked in my life, so this begs the question: why is it increasing? Another CT and more blood work will begin the investigation, but what will be the results?
So there's a mystery in the shadows, and the possible answers are troubling. I would leave this appointment preoccupied with the implications of what I had learned this afternoon. As I was handed the card for my next appointment, I commented to the nurse that this would be an opportune time to say "April Fools". She obliged my weak comment with a smile, making me feel somewhat better.
For the first time in a long time I left the Cancer Clinic with less confidence than when I entered. Cancer can still reach out to hit me, and not always physically. Attitude is not only confidence -real or imagined - but being willing to yield when necessary, to adjust attitudes, and just as importantly, my outlook on life.
