Since November 21, 2015 I've been in a full leg cast due to a broken tibia. The onset of Winter, the stress of the Christmas Holidays, and a disruptive loose tooth have led me to the brink of an emotional crash. I usually detail my experiences, the good and bad in my writing. This time I simply have no way to express my emotional state given the ongoing inner turmoil I constantly experience.
I cry nearly every day, for no particular reason. It might be a sentimental Christmas song, or maybe a TV commercial with a plea to help the less fortunate. Certainly the media has pounded the guilt drums long and loud. My limited mobility and dependency on others reinforces the feeling that I have nothing left to contribute. Seasonal depression, days of gray seem to mirror what's in my heart. I want to live, and I don't. Giving up who I am to become what I will be is the hardest thing I've done. And there is pain from the leg break.
Once upon a time I would stoically endure the minor aches and pains I experience daily. Now it's just easier to let the tears flow. The subtle trap is that my emotions run unchecked, decision making is difficult, and concentration is non-existent. For nearly two months I've lived like this, hoping that when the cast is removed things will get relatively better for me.
One thing has gotten better: I had a tooth pulled on Jan 19th. After nearly a month of visiting the dentist, being referred to a Dental Surgeon for an Emergency extraction, I got the damn thing removed. While there's considerable relief from that action, nothing is free in my world. The dental surgeon has decided to biopsy a sample from the site. It's likely due to an infection, but at the same time, my history warrants further investigation. In two weeks I'll find out the results, and perhaps there will be more tears -hopefully in relief.
