Live. This is exactly what one does between session of Chemotherapy. Daily activities reassert themselves, normal appetite returns and you can start thinking of building for tomorrow not just surviving today.
For me it was important to be active and not passively wait for things to happen. I kept busy with my walking to keep my energy level up. I designed some small electronics circuits that would later be the basis for my "Chemo Clocks". (for my niece who I promised I'd make a clock for her graduation hope you are patient a bit longer; there are only 4 prototypes, still tweaking the design!) I watched a lot of movies. For the first time in a very long while I started using my computer for fun stuff, not just work or paying the bills. For instance migrating DVD's to SD cards proved to be interesting. I had a small GP2X hand-held console gaming device which allowed me to view the movies on these SD cards...once I did a firmware upgrade. Geeky gadgets are fun, especially Linux geeky gadgets.
Geek chic aside, there were what I consider to be the iconic (or cliche) representation of the cancer patient getting in touch with life: going for walks in the park and watching the flowers grow. Contemplatively sitting by a river and watching the water flow by as you re-prioritize life. Writing in your journal. So I did all those activities, and they weren't so cliche after all. Thinking of the future is tough if you're not sure you have one. However I found that for the most part I was not too concerned if my 'best before date' was imminent or not. I was enjoying a spring like I was a kid again, actually having fun. Not worrying about work made a huge difference, as a great deal of my self-inflicted stress was derived from concerns that in reality, were beyond my domain. Some other folks I met said that having cancer made them see life in a completely different way (that I agreed with). They also said having cancer was the best thing that ever happened to them (not so much in agreement there). I was able to get some insights on my journey and meet some very interesting people along the way by utilizing some of the free programs offered by the local Hospice in conjunction with the Cancer Centre.
The program I enrolled in is called 'Lifestyles for Cancer Patients'. Four sessions over as many weeks to explore the Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual aspects faced by patients with Cancer. Caregivers and family members also benefit from this type of session. For me it was my first experience with talking to others living with this disease.
Initially I was worried that this was going to devolve into a 'cryfest' or some sort of group pity party. Fortunately this proved to be most untrue; sure there were a few tears - people were dying, some with no chance of medical salvation. But they all had hope, amazing optimism, and a pragmatic, realistic view of their unique situations and futures. I was impressed and at the same time realized how naive my views were with my condition. It was only some two months prior by this time that I was 'living' with cancer. Some of the other folks I met had dealt with it for decades. Some were worse off (I think), and most were older.
Each weekly session would start out the same, we'd get our coffee or beverage of choice and gravitate to our comfy rocking chairs. In turn, patient and caregiver would recount something relevant for the week's discussion: Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual.
Physical was easy -we all pretty much gave our (abridged) life story of how we were diagnosed, treatments, surgeries and so on. When the group leader running the session asked if any of us had a choice in our treatment, invariably we all said there was no choice, we had to fight the cancer. Of course he was angling for what people rarely consider: don't accept treatment.
Not seeking treatment. Not doing surgery. Not doing chemo. Going to die. These are choices we could have made when first diagnosed with cancer, but we automatically exclude them. That was to be the recurring lesson throughout: we have choices, even ones that are unpleasant, and we choose to make out lives what we want, despite our circumstances.
In retrospect this seminar seems common-sense. The best lesson I learned from attending was: Live life when you can, be in the moment, don't wait for cancer to define your options for you.
In the months ahead I would heed that advice, and in between my chemo sessions, or my surgeries, found that I could enjoy life, could indeed contribute in meaningful ways, and was in fact, happy at times.
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