Rebuilding - Part I

       Colon Surgery.  Seven rounds of chemotherapy. Liver Surgery and Gall bladder removal.  I had undergone my hardest battles with Cancer, so I should be optimistic, right?  It is amazing what the human spirit can endure, but it was not without cost.  For me it was the realization how frail emotionally I had become.  The physical body was slowly recovering, the healing enhanced by simply being out of the hospital.  My emotional state was characterized by a series up highs and lows, with the additional struggle that my ability to concentrate was virtually non-existent.  During this time it was truly the 'Daze of my life'.

     It was time to put my mantras, cantrips and hard-won observations into practice:   live as best you can, when you can, however you can.   Finding the victories in the little things:  walking a little longer, feeling a little stronger, breathing a little better, and, not letting my emotions overwhelm me, let it go when I could not cope.  I'm generally not prone to being the overly-emotional type,  but there are times when I would remember a singular experience and be overwhelmed, and the tears would flow.

     Routine returned as the remnants of the physical surgery were removed.  My usual  daily activities re-asserted themselves; taking my weight and temperature daily, recording the days activities in my journal, even the occasional insight as to what it all meant.  Writing he in my journal even  helped improve my concentration and organizing of my thoughts.  Wish I would have learned this habit while I was still in school!  Perhaps however my 'best medicine' was the season of Fall itself.   My walks were usually accompanied with my trusty Kodak Digital Camera (perfect for people like me who can barely spell "photo-gaffe") Trees of golden and  red hues, maples on fire in the early-morning sunlight.  Reminders of my boyhood in Northern Ontario, where miles and miles of unending colours would entertain me on the bus rides home from school.

      The walks became longer and my mood got better.  I had many projects on the go waiting in my workshop, I have opportunities to do things, hopefully I would find the discipline to return to thinking of things other than the Cancer.

     Canadian Thanksgiving had come and gone, and I have determined that the last time I had Thanksgiving dinner with my  family was when I was 17.  Now my parents and grandparents are long gone, my brothers and sisters are scattered around the province.  It is doubtful the family will ever celebrate this particular holiday together in this way in my lifetime.   But life goes on and I go with it.

      A significant event occurred with the passing of Thanksgiving:  my birththday.  Turning 51 closed off that significant chapter of my life known as "The Big Five-Oh".  My personal birthday present to myself is an HP 35S RPN Calculator.  More calculator than I will ever need,  a programmable,  hearkening back to the days of the classic HP's of the 70's rather than the future 'all thumbs' wipe & touch devices that are so common now. 

     Treating myself was nice, but my best gift was being able to pass on my experiences to others.   I was only out of the hospital two weeks when I was back in - visiting a friend, undergoing his surgery for colon cancer.  Thankfully his path does not follow mine.  We shared our experiences, bonded in only the way that cancer patients can.  Humour as always can be found anywhere:  while sitting and chatting with my friend his nurse stopped in.  There was a double-take as she recognized me from my earlier stays there, delighted that I was only visiting.   Helping others is a great way to snap out of the moping and emotional morass I'd sometimes find myself in. 

     Hope is also what I was able to give to another friend.  The great part about undergoing all these wonderful medical procedures is that I lived through them!  Having someone to talk to who has experienced first-hand the wonders of modern medicine can be reassuring to someone anxiously awaiting the process.   In this case I am able to allay the fears my friend was having about his upcoming colonoscopy.   In return, he has reported a clean bill of health!   Sharing my experiences has been a wonderful feeling for me, being able to hear the stories of others reassures me that I am not alone.
  
    An observation a friend of mine once made to me, although pertaining to a technical problem seemed to fit within the struggles I was currently undergoing.   During attempts to fix an ongoing technical issue at work,  I would vent my frustrations to my friend  citing all my failures to fix this particular problem.  Eventually it did get fixed, and his comment to me was if I noticed how suddenly and  spontaneously it "resolved itself" and just worked normally like it always did?

   It sure seemed like someone "flipped a switch", as my physical, mental and emotional health returned to normal.  The curious thing is I cannot pinpoint any specific time or event that would correspond with when it happened!    All I can say for certain is that sometime before Halloween I was more like my old self.  Maybe it was my visit with my Oncologist to discuss further treatment options.   Or maybe it was because of my artistic Halloween pumpkin creation.   As October drew to a close,  I met with my Oncologist to discuss What Happens Next.   Maybe that's what my fear has been all along.