There were two visits to the office of my Internal Medicine specialist. One was for a heart test called an echo-cardiogram, and of course the other visit was to discuss the results of this test. More tests simply to determine if I am healthy enough to endure a procedure to help destroy the results of a life-threatening disease. So how did I fare on the echo-cardiogram? Very well, of course!
My follow-up visit was just as good. When I asked if everything was fine from the echo-cardiogram, the response he gave me was I was better than fine, I was good! In his words I was a 'good candidate for liver surgery'. Praise like that might make me blush.
I was actually quite content that day, as the mornings good news put me in optimistic spirits. During my bike ride later that afternoon I witnessed a rather spectacular sunset. I was enchanted by the juxtaposition of the fiery red setting sun, and the brilliant silver of a rising full moon. Naturally I did not have my camera with me, but that memory will always remain. There was just under a month away from my surgery. Fall was coming, but the remaining days of Summer would be filled with physical and mental activities. The nights were usually untroubled, faith and emotion were still under my control. Not that I didn't have worries. In particular I was concerned by the estimated time of the surgery, possibly 6-8hrs, significantly more than my colon surgery. Sometimes I would have those flights of fancy that the tumours were all gone, that I wouldn't need surgery, and everything would be better. Well it's good to dream.
Except for one more CT and the pre-admission, I would have almost no further interaction with the medical community for the month before surgery. Physically I was feeling optimistic, I was riding and walking, I felt I had some strength and stamina. Later, I would wish I had more mental and emotional stamina. The emotional armour in particular would take a major beating.
The week before my surgery my doctor informed me that the last CT still showed the tumours shrinking, and that the liver embolization was working. Positive news only could help my mood. By now however I was thinking more of the 'what-if' scenarios. It bothered me how much I was bothered by the upcoming surgery. My honest fear however was that even if the surgery went flawlessly, even if there were no complications what if it wasn't enough? What if the cancer would still remain, what more could be done for me? Would there still be a plan to save me and give me hope? It was getting more difficult to remain distracted. Eventually I would have to face the questions and decide for myself how to handle it. For now however I played chess, I rode my bike, and I kept active as much as I could. The big day was getting closer, I was as ready as I would ever be.
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